Stuff I don’t want keeps getting into my house.
A couple of weeks ago it was the giant hairy spider in the sink.
Back in the summer it was half a bunny in the cat food bowl.
Two years ago it was the bird heart I accidentally vacuumed up.
This morning as I was starting downstairs I came face-to-face with my worst nightmare.
Holy shitballs, there was a snake on the steps. It was about halfway down and it wasn’t moving. That could mean one of three things:
- It was dead.
- It was asleep.
- It was dead because the cat had eaten half of it and left that half as a little present for me.
I tried not to panic. I yelled at it in my sternest voice:
“Go away snake. Leave me alone. Get out of here.”
No response. I yelled at the cat:
“Go get that snake and get it out of here. Go on. Get it now you bastard cat!”
She just looked at me so I picked her up and threw her at the snake. She landed about three steps short and trotted off down stairs.
My bedroom is on the second floor and is way too far off the ground for me to consider jumping. And clearly the cat is proving herself once again to be unreliable.
I thought about my options and came up with a plan. I found a yardstick in a closet that would allow me to move the snake while providing a suitable 3-foot distance. But I need at least three degrees of separation between me and the snake so I fitted two knee socks around the end of the stick. Because I didn’t want to actually see the snake while I was touching it with the yardstick, I decided to cover it with a small towel.
The first towel I tossed down the steps didn’t get anywhere near it. The second toss wasn’t much better. I was going to have to get closer. I walked down one step. Then another. The snake didn’t move.
Hmmmm…is that really a snake.
I poke it with my sock-covered stick.
Oh, what do you know. It isn’t a snake. It’s some sort of metal hook. Who knows where it came from.
Of course the snake was between me and my camera, but after I had some coffee, I took this picture for you:
And here’s my weapon: