The Visitor In My Sink

I didnt’ see it until I got out of the shower yesterday. It was sitting in my sink like it owned the place, calmly shaving one of its eight hairy legs.

I gave an involuntary shudder. (I did not scream, however. I think screaming and crying are useless unless there’s someone around to hear you.)

 I needed that sink. I can’t work the morning magic without it.

I thought about drowning it, but that would involve reaching across it and I have a feeling it could jump. I found a shoe and used that to reach the knob to turn on the water. It ran around and around the porcelain, slowly sliding down the slick surface toward the drain. Finally gravity took over and was drowned…it’s hairy legs wrapped around its body.

Of course, this begs the age-old question–what’s worse? A gigantic alive tarantula in the sink or a dead one?

I needed something to scoop it out with. One of Husband’s business cards would do.

I reached down slowly to slide the card under the carcass. But as soon as I touched it, all eight legs unfolded and it started running around the sink again.

OK, this time I did scream and quickly jerked the water back on. But this wasn’t the little arachnid’s first rodeo and this time he took the high road, staying safely away from the water.

Sensing this was a losing battle, I searched for another weapon. I grabbed a tall aerosol can and pushed down on the top as hard as I could. Death by hair spray.

Once again, it rolls itself up into a little ball. Once again I try to slide a business card under it. Once again, it springs to life. Only this time I’m halfway to the toilet. I drop it, and the card, in the water and start flushing. (Of course, being the greenies that we are, our toilets only have a couple of tablespoons of water in them.)

But I watch it go down the drain. And close the lid.


Filed under At Home, General Frippery

8 responses to “The Visitor In My Sink

  1. A tarantula???

    Are you suuure it was a tarantula?

    I’m thinking a spider that big could probably slip on some SCUBA gear and wedge itself into the pipe, just a foot or so past the toilet bowl, and wait for you to plant your hiney on that seat late one night when the bathroom is dark.

    PS: It’s bad luck to kill a spider. Killing one three times? Well, I’ll try to hold a good thought for you.

  2. Redneck Science Factoid: Hair spray can be ignited with a lighter, making a perfectly acceptable flamethrower.

    Oh, and i hope you flushed twice. They’re tricky little devils…

  3. Julie

    A hundred years ago when I was away at college, I wrote home to tell my mother that I had just killed a spider all by myself…..I’ve never looked back.

  4. The spiders in FLA are GINORMOUS! I learned to spray them with hairspray until they fell off the wall, then squash hem with a shoe. Good times, good times…

  5. You are a very brave woman.

  6. OMG, OMG, OMG. This is one of the few times I thank heaven above I live in a place where I no longer have to encounter those hairy demons sent straight from the devil to torture me. I once sat on top of a ladder for a half hour in Oklahoma, until a neighbor walked by to kill one for me. Then I crawled into a fetal position for the next two hours. To say you are brave is such an understatement. Those bastards can jump like five fucking feet. You are now and forever, my hero.

  7. Elise–details, details…and thanks for making my 2 a.m. bathroom rooms even more enjoyable than they already are.

    Daisy–Believe it or not, I was thinking about that scene in (I think) Goldfinger when James Bond torches a snake or spider or something awful with an aerosol can/flamethrower. I don’t think it’s redneck science, I think you’re actually a secret agent.

    Ellie–You’re right. I am. 🙂

    LG–I was thinking about the size of the bugs in Fla. when I was replying to Zen Mama. I think hairspray might be duct tape for women–it has a thousand uses.

    Julie–Was it a great big spider? I bet you killed a few at the lake this weekend.

    Zen–There’s no spiders up there? What about snakes, because I am waaaaaaaay more afraid of snakes. I might have to move to Ireland some day. A snake would put me on a ladder for sure.

  8. Friggin spiders are infuriating. It’s like, “What are you doing here, sir? Madam? I am uncomfortable with physical androgyny because I don’t know how to address you. I think this is really more of a language limitation than psychological. Do you think someone who speaks a language with gender-specific nouns would be more comfortable speaking with you? I don’t know. Oh yeah, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SINK.”

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