It’s Just a Boat

Last weekend I was at the yarn shop. I love to knit, and I love shopping for yarn. But I HATE the clickity-clackity women who sit around the yarn shop all day knitting and gossiping. These middle-aged women (and a few of their gay consorts) regard the shop as their personal turf. Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time (and even more money) at several yarn shops, and this phenomenon is universal. I’ve even had women stare me down when I “accidently” sat in one of their chairs when receiving assistance from the staff.

So…last Saturday I was in the shop, browsing through the bins and listening with half an ear to the conversation at one of the tables.

“Are you going anywhere special this spring”

“Oh, I think we’re going to take the yacht and visit the kids.”

“That’ll be nice.”

“But they’re not sure of their schedule, so we might yacht over to St. Pete instead.”

Here are the ways in which this conversation makes me crazy.

  1. It’s a BOAT!  Why do you feel compelled to call it a yacht? I’m guessing that your house is the “estate.” Your cleaning lady is the “housekeeper” and your husband is dead broke.
  2. Yacht is a noun, not a verb–just like barbecue.
  3. If you can afford a yacht, you can afford some Miss Clariol. Your three-inch-long skanky black roots lead me believe that your yacht is nothing more than a used bass boat with last year’s fish scales dried up on the hull.

I looked  up the definition of yacht and technically it’s any boat over 20 feet. We used to own a 17-foot ski boat. If only I’d known then that it was just three feet short of being a yacht.

I could’ve told people that we were spending the weekend on our yachtlette—drinking cheap beer and eating baloney sandwiches.

13 Comments

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13 responses to “It’s Just a Boat

  1. Julie Fisher

    I second remark by “Sarah”!!
    I suspect there is something also lurking behind the woman’s statement “but they’re not sure of their schedule.” Do you suppose just maybe their kids are turned off by this woman, too?

  2. Not being a knitter myself, I am fascinated by this new culture you’ve introduced to me. Wonder what they would act like in a knitting shop in Milwaukee? Hmmm. Field trip!

  3. Susan Cowperthwaite

    I “third” Sarah and “second” Julie!!

  4. GAG ME! Oh my gosh, what an awful group of full-blown bitches (as opposed to bitchettes.)

    I love our yarn shop–a totally different feel there. Maybe our FBB’s don’t knit–they hire someone to do it. 🙂

    I wish I were a faster knitter–there are so many things I want to make!

  5. I knew nothing of this “yarn” microcosm. There are thousands like it. I am intimate with the rare book microcosm. You won’t find a bigger bunch of misfits anywhere. Except for me, of course. I am perfectly normal in every respect.

  6. Niece Lash

    Lauging out loud

  7. I have a driver. He drives the #21 bus.

    I have a dog groomer. It’s a coin operated machine at the petrol station.

    I have a personal financial planner. He’s My Man.

  8. My ex-father-in-law always used to refer to the house I bought with his son as “your property”. Drove me wild. “Home” was an alien concept to him, all he understood were investments.

  9. Sarah–Thanks! We aim to please.
    Julie and Susan–You’re probably right. The kids are probably concocting excuses right now.
    MML–I like the shop, the owner and the staff, it’s the patrons that drive me crazy.
    UB–I imagine that book collecting is a lot more expensive than knitting. And as far as I can tell, you’re totally normal, just like me.
    Lash–Yay! I wish you could’ve heard her. Gag.
    Ellie–Pray tell, what coin operated machine at the gas station grooms your dog?
    Denise–Ugh…how pompous can you get?

  10. Man, I like it when you get angry.

    And if I had a boat three feet short of a fucking yacht, I would tell EVERYONE. “Hello, my name is Rassles, and my boat is three feet short of a yacht. I’ll almost-yacht it over sometime.”

  11. LOL. How did you keep from rolling your eyes? Come on over to the Yarn Mart. We’ve got a friendly group over here with lots of laughter — and they are so patient with me, as I am apparently learning- disabled when it comes to knitting……though I needlepoint custom pillows like a champ…….

  12. Rass–I wish I had known then that my ski boat was an almost-yacht. Sadly, it’s at the bottom of a lake in Arkansas now.
    Amy–Is that the shop in the Heights? I used to go there all the time.

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