It’s just protein

I didn’t see it at first. I was talking to husband about his day and walking from the living room to the kitchen.

There it was. A pile of feathers on the carpet–all that was left of the cat’s lunch.

Crap.

Your cat did that,” he said. I just sighed and went to find the vacuum cleaner.

I got out the hose attachment nozzle thing, thinking it would be the best way to suck up the feathers. Once I got that figured out, I started sucking them up. Feathers flew upwards into my hose attachment nozzle thing. Then, milliseconds before I could stop, I noticed a sort of blob which was immediately pulled into the vacuum with a sick-making sort of thunk.

“You just sucked up a piece of meat.”

Ugh. I think it might’ve been the heart. It’s still in the vacuum.

Do you know how horrifying it is to have a bird’s heart in your vacuum cleaner if you have an over-active imagination like mine? That bird will be in my dreams…haunting me like some kind of avian ghost of Banquo. I’ll hear it thumping…a feathered tell-tale heart.

Tha-thump.

Tha-thump.

Tha-thump.

I guess I could empty the vacuum. That would be what any reasonable person would do.  But I gag a little just thinking about it.

I’ll do it tomorrow.

27 Comments

Filed under At Home

27 responses to “It’s just protein

  1. Or, if you’re really an adventurous sort, you could dig it out and dissect it! Middle school all over again! Co’mon! I know you want to . . .

  2. Niece Lash

    A little throw up in my mouth as I read that one.
    Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’ Look before you suck next time.

  3. hee hee. I’m laughing at the ‘look before you suck’ thing. And I think it was very inconsiderate of your cat to leave a piece of meat for you to suck up!

  4. Sick.

    You are so much like me.

    Honestly, I would have made my husband deal with it. We trade off the fact that I do most cleaning with him having to deal with the sick mishaps.

  5. A little bird’s heart beats from inside the vacuum bag. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. An ominous burp emits from kitty. Her breath is unusually meaty this evening. You’ll have to get it out and bury it in the back yard.

  6. TD–I’d have to find my teeny weeny little knife to carry out such an operation.
    Lash–great advice. I think I need to brush up on my Poe.
    Jen–my cat has never been known for her considerate nature.
    Blue–usually I can get away with asking him to do it. But he’s been on kind of a kitty fatwa lately.
    UB–meaty burps! Ewwwww Ewwwww Ewwww

  7. Julie Fisher

    Remembering how lovely my vacuum smells weeks later after I have swept up the needles from the Christmas tree, I do HEARTILY (get it?) recommend that you immediately remove that bird part.

  8. You’re up! You’ve been reviewed.

  9. I’m with Julie. Don’t let it sit too long. Or if you do, put that vacuum away for at least a year, lest the smell of decay overwhelm you.

    As a wee bairn, I once vacuumed up some spilled tuna fish and put the vacuum away. It was maybe a week before anyone needed to use the vacuum again.

    Let’s just say that tuna does not improve with age. And forcing air past it is a great way to fumigate an entire household structure.

  10. Kimmer

    OMG…I love your stories about your cat! I feel like I know him/her personally. Except I don’t rememer his/her name. Regardless… this is a good gross story you’ll be able to share for eternity.

    Good luck with removing the guts from the vacuum. 🙂

  11. And are you afraid of emptying the vacuum, now? Because what if you get bird heart on you? What if it’s slimy? I mean, you gotta throw away the whole goddamn vacuum, if you really want to get anything done ever again.

  12. Oh gross, I think I might be sick!

    My cat will catch bugs and birds and stuff, but then his curiosity gets the better of him and he has to peek at his catch. Inevitably they’re released unharmed.

    Thank goodness. I don’t know what I’d do if any animal’s heart ended up at my feet.

  13. Oh ew. Thats disgusting. I probably would throw the whole thing away. I mean, its gonna rot in there. *gag*

  14. Oh my! Poor birdy. congrats on your great review, by the way. I knew you’d do really well.

  15. I wouldn’t even consider cleaning it…I would have to throw it away…I am afraid the ghost of the heart would thump, thump, thump its way out in the middle of the night…
    Happy cleaning!

  16. Oh, God. I could not deal. Sometimes birds flew down the chimney in the house where I grew up, and if you didn’t let them out into the house and shoo them outside, they’d die in there. Then dead birds would come raining down the next time anyone opened the flue to build a fire. It was horrifying. I wouldn’t pick them up. I called the Eagle Scout down the street, and he wouldn’t touch them either. His girlfriend had to come over and scoop them out.

    I’d have bought a new vacuum cleaner if I were you.

  17. Ok ok…I get it. I will empty the vacuum tonight, even risking, as Rass said, gettng “bird heart” on me.

    And Pos…you vacuumed up tuna? That is so something I would do.

    As for tossing the vacuum, as many of you have suggested…I can deal with this. If it were a snake chunk, no question. But this I can manage.

  18. Nuh-uh. I think I’d wait until it was dried up unrecognizable bird heart.

  19. My cat brings me at least 2 dead lizards a day. I feel your pain.

  20. First to your review. I fucking love you too! Excellent! Your post? Let that little thing stink. Nothing wrong with a little stink in the house every now and then. God knows I clean things up every day…I rarely know what they are.

  21. Have I mentioned to you how much I like birds? And dislike cats?

    Congrats on your review, by the way…

  22. I trod on a bird’s heart once, the cat had left it on the doorstep. I was barefoot and it went squelch between my toes and I went a little green. There is something about hearts that cats just don’t like. Or maybe they just like sharing.

  23. Luna_the_cat

    If it’s any consolation, it was less likely to be the heart and more likely to be the crop, a little sack which would normally be attached to the gut. I have never actually known a cat who hesitated to eat the heart, but crops…they’re usually full of gravel. Crunchy, but not the nice way.

  24. Little Sister

    Please throw away the vacuum..asap!! Thats not a very good way to treat your housekeeper. Close that dang catdoor, so she will leave her haul outside. I am like Lash..throwup in my throat!!!

  25. Niece Lash

    I think I had some crop for dinner. Is Kitty pulling a joke on me?

  26. Yuk–was it chewy? Crunchy? Maybe you should try a little honey mustard next time.

  27. Brings new meaning to the expression, “look what the cat just drug in”. Also, you can start saying you are vacuuming your heart out. Sorry, I hate puns but I’m feeling cheesy today.

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