If you ever happen to wake up bald, I have some tips for you. Because I did wake up bald one day thanks to a few chemo infusions to treat Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. These tips are mainly for women. And drag queens.
- The first morning you wake up bald, you’re going to take a shower like always. Because you’re half asleep, you’re going to reach for the shampoo, squirt some in your hands and reach for your head. That’s when you’re going to remember that you’re bald and that you’re going to save a lot of money over the next few months on hair care products. You realize that your shower time has been cut in half.
- Next step in the daily routine is makeup. So you’re standing in front of the mirror and start to apply foundation. And you find yourself using alot more than normal because you’re not sure where your face ends. Pretty soon you have an entire head coved in very expensive makeup.
- Normally, the hair on your head lets go before the eyebrows. Once they’re gone though, eye makeup is pretty useless. Because without eyebrows, you don’t know where your eyes end…just like with the face. Eye shadow half-way up your head is not a good look.
- Eyelashes are next. Once they’re gone, you really can’t fake it anymore. You look sick. You ARE sick.
I had two really nice wigs. I spent hundreds of dollars on them, reasoning that I wouldn’t be spending any money at the salon so I could splurge. Want to know how often I wore a wig? Once. When I was leaving the wig store. I couldn’t stand ’em. They had to be taped on. They were hot and they itched like crazy. And besides that, once your eyebrows and lashes are gone, what’s the point of wearing a wig? You’re not faking anybody out. It’s just stupid. The only person to wear one of my wig was a coworker who wore it on Halloween.
But I wore lots and lots of hats. There was one thing I was sorely tempted to do while I was bald. I seriously considered having my artist friend Gregg draw a 666 on my bald head. I could see myself nonchalantly taking my hat off at Krogers and watching the reaction of all the shoppers. I imagined getting to the front of every line…maybe even free stuff. But in the end I didn’t do it.
After all, I already had cancer. I didn’t need any more bad luck.