We moved into our present home about four years ago in October. The next spring, I waited anxiously to see what kind of flowers would come up. Would there be tulips? Daffodils? Maybe some kind of flowering vine? No…alas…the previous owner was evidently as botanically challenged as I am. The only thing that sprouted was some hostas. And monkey grass.

This house was built in the 80s and it bears certain hallmarks from that era–most notably all the brass light fixtures. And the monkey grass lining the front walk along with English Ivy. We have tried different things in front to make the house look better. More ivy. Less ivy. And what we finally decided was to get rid of all the ivy and all the monkey grass and just go straight mulch.

But have you ever tried to kill monkey grass? They say that if a nuclear war wipes out the inhabitants of the earth, the only creatures that will live will be the cockroaches. I beg to differ. I think the monkey grass will be right there too.

Our monkey grass has been subjected to several sprays of RoundUp and it still lives. Then I tried to just pull it out one day and that didn’t work. Well, I didn’t try real hard. It was hot. I was ready to cede victory.

But then, last night about 7:00 the doorbell rings. Husband answers and after a while I go out to see what’s going on. He’s having an conversation with a freelance yardman who happened to drive by and see a yard in need. He had a truck full of mulch and three able-bodied workers. They struck a deal and went right to work. They came back this morning and the ivy, monkey grass and weeds are gone. In their place, a layer of nice, stinky black mulch.

I guess that we tried to out-think the monkey grass. Turns out you just have to bludgeon it with good old-fashioned muscle.


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3 responses to “THE MONKEY (grass) MUST DIE!

  1. So that’s what that stuff is called? In our house, we have several houseplants that are huge and look just like your monkey grass. The only difference is I water them every week to keep them growing!

    My wife calls them spider plants, but they look just like the image you have in your post!

  2. Julie Fisher

    Did you get a written and signed guarantee that you would not see monkey grass in your yard for the next five years? If you didn’t, I know a lawyer. . .

  3. Beck

    I hate to break this to you but that stinky black mulch grows something gardners affectionately call “dog barf” – it’s worse than monkey grass. I agree with Julie – think you better get a lawyer as would bet the monkey grass will poke it’s little head through the mulch sooner or later.

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