Unfortunately, I am not the Queen of Nashville. I don’t even live in Nashville, but I do work there. If I were the Queen, I’d have to enforce a few simple rules for tourists visiting our fair city for Fan Fair CMA Music Fest.
1. I don’t care how hot it is…that’s no excuse for tacky clothes. This includes tube tops, halter tops, tank tops and daisy dukes. Unless you’re a supermodel, the less skin the better.
2. Leave the cowboy hat at home.
3. Leave the cowboy boots at home. Don’t you people know how hot it is here?
4. Tattooing your favorite star’s name onto your body is not going to make him/her like you better. In fact, it will probably just creep them out. Besides, chances are it will be spelled wrong.
5. Please keep your shirts on. Nobody needs to see that. It’s only the first day and I’ve already seen way more of you people than I want to.
6. Standing in the middle of Broadway and fighting with your companion while looking for the river stages really isn’t a good idea. Ditto jay-walking across Demonbreun at 5 p.m.
7. I do not know where Keith and Nicole live. Ditto Kenny or Brad. I do know a really famous star’s drummer’s wife, but I’m not telling you who.
If you’ll just follow these simple rules, we’ll all get along fine. Have a good time. Spend lots of money. Pick up your trash.
And we’ll see you again next year.